I'm sorry
by Shadow-Star Hatake
Summary: I'm sorry for your loss. That's what doctors and people say when you loss a loved one. What do you say when you were the reason for their death? What do I say to our family the next day when the sun rises and you are no longer there. There is nothing but silence all because I didn't accept your apology.


If you say

If I told you that I love you would you believe me? No matter the pain of my words or actions would you still forgive me? At times I wonder if I could forgive myself. Still being in your presence I wonder how a person with so much stress and responsibility could continuously forgive me regardless of what I did. Even the day that I yelled, I hate you and came back hours later saying I was sorry, you forgave me in a heart beat but deep inside I couldn't accept it. Maybe because I didn't want to believe you or because I didn't believe I was really sorry. Throwing out apology after apology and still you forgave me. Even being brothers, bonded by the blood that flows through my veins I still can't understand why you still forgive me. Finally, I had enough with it is okay, I forgive you and went over to you as those words came out of your mouth and decked you. I hit you so hard that you fell to the ground. I got on top of you and even as I sat on top of your chest with my fist raised in the air you did not resist or yell at me. The sound of our younger brothers in the background yelling at me to stop each time I punched you. Why? Why didn't you stop me? Only when father came in yelling at me that our brothers ran over and stopped me. Panting heavily, I look my bloody knuckles and the damage I did to you. You looked so sad and scared, finally I got you to feel something other than your fake forgiveness. Little did I know that night would be our last.

After Don gave you a quick look over and Mikey ran in with some ice did everyone start to relax again. You didn't answer questions beyond if you were okay physically. Though at this point I was gone and didn't care. Don was worried from what I heard about the trauma to your head but you pushed him off and asked him and Mikey to go and find me. Don didn't want to leave you alone with injuries but you explained that with Splinter home you would be fine. He was more worried about me who ran out of the lair with nothing but my weapons and my hot temper.

Mistake one was agreeing and leaving the lair to come find me.

Traveling for about twenty minutes the guys were able to find me at my usual spot twisting and throwing my sais around the rooftop. Not wanting to step onto any landmines and knowing my temper the two of them sat and watched until I finally stopped half and hour later. I asked about you and they said that you were back at home resting your swollen face. I chuckled and asked if they wanted to have some fun for the night since you were at home.

Mistake two was not suggesting to go back home.

I loved my freedom away from you and the time I spent with our younger brothers. I hated having you over my shoulders so I was glad for once the three of us could be together for a little while.

Thinking back now I wish I never thought like that.

The guys being young and stupid like me agreed to a bit of fun without adult supervision. That's right to us you were not our brother but a second very strict father that we just wanted to leave and get away from.

We spent most of the night running around playing ninja tag and hide and seek. Mikey is still the champion if you want to know with hide and seek. When our phones started to ring I told Don and Mikey to turn them off. If it was a real emergency then we would be getting calls from everyone not just father. I rather face the lecture later than ruin the fun we were having now.

Mistake three was my immaturity and not answering the phone.

Once we noticed the sun rise we decided to head back home. I wanted to stop at Casey's just to see how things were doing on his bike. We were currently trying to fix his bike ever since the clutch started to fail. Don being the gear head he was offered his help and Mikey didn't want to go home by himself and get the lecture of the lifetime.

Running and jumping I tapped on the window to Casey's apartment. Looking inside it was a surprise not to see him at all. In fact, it looked like no was home for a long time. At first, I was a bit worried them remembered that he and April were dating and was probably at her place. Don wanting to talk with April about something that he has told me is out my league and Mikey raced us to April's store/apartment. It wasn't that far. Once we got there Mikey checked the store and pointed out the store was still closed even though it was closed to opening. Donnie went and checked her window but no one answered and it looked as if no one was home. We started to worry when finally, Don grabbed his phone and turned it back on. On the screen Don noticed dozens of calls from Splinter. Looking at us very scared be pressed play and a string of voice calls rang through the silences. First it was father's voice asking us to return home. As the voicemail increased so did the sound of desperation in father's voice. Soon Casey and April's voices were rebounding on the phone telling us to return home. They didn't tell us why but we all feared it was something bad.

Rushing back home we entered the lair to hear crying. Walking towards the source we saw April being held in the arms of Casey as they were both collapsed on the ground sobbing. Asking what happened April shook her head while Casey looked up. This was the first time I have ever seen Casey cry he looked very angry beyond anything I have ever seen before and we have been together fighting and bashing heads in for over a year. He motioned to his head towards your room and asked, where have you been?

I said we were out on the town enjoying our time away from home. Why?

Mistake four was being an idiot and not asking about you.

Casey shook his head and looked back down at April holding her closer. Running towards your room the guys and I ran in to see you laying on your bed. You were sleeping with father gently caressing your head.

What's going on father? Why is it so dark in here? I asked.

Father not looking up continued to caress your head.

Going closer I started to realize that the blanket covering your body was not moving up or down.

A cold shiver warned me but I pushed it away.

What's wrong with Leo? I finally asked.

Splinter looked up I could tell he was crying from the wet patches in his fur. He asked the same question as Casey did. Where were you?

I told father the same thing I told Casey. I added the measure that I convinced you guys to turn your phones off so we didn't get disturbed. Father looking back at you then to me shook his head.

He really wanted to see you guys. Father whispered.

The guys and I looked at each other walking over we knelt before father as he told us what happened after our younger brothers left.

After twenty minutes you started to get dizzy and slur your words. Father fearing something was wrong helped you into the lab and tried to call Don to return home but it went straight to voicemail. So, he called April and Casey to come down and help. Soon your breathing started to get labor and you were covered in a thin veil of sweat. Resting your head down on the table you told father that your vision was starting to go dark. He told you to stay awake he would try us again but once again failed.

You chuckled saying it was alright you didn't want us to be there if you were dying. Father almost yelling in a scared voice that you were not dying but you always had a sixth sense about life and death and said your time was up. Holding father's hand, the two of you recited the bushido in Japanese and he sung to you in Japanese our old naptime song. His voice started to break as you started to close your eyes. The sound of foot steps of April and Casey rushing towards the lab didn't reach you. You were too focus on father's voice. As tears started to fall father told you it was okay to go. He would be alright and he would take care of us. You promised to continue to watch over us even if you are placed in another body, you would somehow watch out for us.

I love you guys.

As the door opened that was it. April, Casey, and father tried to get you to return even for a moment but you were gone. April was able to figure out that you died of a brain bleed and cause, my fist. I could already hear you saying you forgive me as I looked back to your still body. My hands shook my brothers weep finding out that while we were out playing and horsing around like teenagers you were here dying. If father was home or paying attention you would have died alone surrounded by nothing. How? Why did this happen? And then I remember why this happened. I didn't want to believe you when you said you forgave me. I didn't want to listen to you say the same line over and over every time I was rude and hurt you. I wanted you to be mad at me. I wanted you to show me something over than forgiveness. I wanted, I wanted you to feel what I felt every time you forgave me. I ever could forgive myself for anything I did to you or our family but especially towards you since you were my focus at times.

If I could turn back time to stop myself and just accept your words I would in a heartbeat. But I can't I can't change the past or bring you back to life. I looked at our face; it was still swollen and cut up from my beating earlier in the day. Its funny to think that less than twenty-four hours ago you were alive and I wasn't the eldest brother. Life really does throw you for a loop.

Father looked at me as I stared at you. It looked like you were just resting your eyes I turned to him as he motioned to the blanket. I pulled it up covering your face then sat back down with the others. Mikey and Don couldn't even look at me and I didn't blame them I just killed you with my own two hands. I couldn't stand or speak then was nothing left to say. All I could do was say,

I'm sorry big brother.


End file.
